if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
channeling her this year
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””