Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me: that is hilarious
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?