If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop