“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.