If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
same energy
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM