If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.