If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
You Might Also Like
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.