Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.