“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.