@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

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@dad_chips

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

@mommajessiec

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@TheAndrewNadeau

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

@sweetmomissa

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

@oops_iBGd_again

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

@liljonlovitz

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@robdelaney

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

@whatsJo

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend