If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Wait a second…
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.