If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
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“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.