If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
You Might Also Like
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…