If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
You Might Also Like
mentally somewhere in italy
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.