if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.