If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer