If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s