If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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Monday
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.