If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino