If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.