If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes