if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears