If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me trying to reach for my goals
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe