If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!