@TheBoydP

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

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@reallifemommy3

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

@ShortSleeveSuit

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

@noog

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@AJemaineClement

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

@RobbyRob313

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

@LMLMadness

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.