@reallifemommy3 Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
@TheBoydP If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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@reallifemommy3 
@ShortSleeveSuit Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
@noog I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
@AJemaineClement Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
@RobbyRob313 When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
@LMLMadness Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
@tastefactory HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
@Brianhopecomedy I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
@mrtruthandsoul Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
@Heldinchains My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.