If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Mistakes were made
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times