If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
dam girl
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol