If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*launders Kohls cash*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then