If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.