If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.