If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
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I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”