If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.