If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.