If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.