If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol