If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
This is so me 😂😂
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do