If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.