If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.