“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Just why bro?!
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola