Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Best spot.. 😅

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up