If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*