Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??