If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
💁🏻♂️
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.