If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.


I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan


[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan


[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”


I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.


[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*


Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine


For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”


I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.