Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.