Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

I’d hang this in my house.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.