If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
How times have changed.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?