If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
one last job
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.