@ceejoyner

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

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@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@decentbirthday

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

@JamesonN7

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@green_eyed_doll

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

@clichedout

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

@Dawn_M_

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.