If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

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[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country


Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?


My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run


i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]


That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.


These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!


*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3


I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.