@ClassicMegan

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

@ehdannyboy

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

@awkwardphilippe

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

@FauxFawx

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

@stuckinaportal

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@JessBWatson

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.