If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”


Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.


You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.


I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.


New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.