@ClassicMegan

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

@TuffyNyC

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@OzKamal

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

@lovemydogduck

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

@slyoung5

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@CynicalTherapi1

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.