@TheToddWilliams [blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
@ClassicMegan If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
You Might Also Like
@TheToddWilliams 
@MadamBetteNoire Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
@PaperWash Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
@PetrickSara My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
@ehdannyboy i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
@Adam_Kingsnorth Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
@awkwardphilippe That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
@FauxFawx These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
@stuckinaportal *leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
@JessBWatson I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.