@Brianhopecomedy My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
@ClassicMegan If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
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@Brianhopecomedy 
@TuffyNyC A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
@blondebombs They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
@OzKamal Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
@lovemydogduck My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
@hell_doe hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
@slyoung5 Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
@JermHimselfish You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
@CynicalTherapi1 I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
@indecision New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.