If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you