If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Comparing yourself to others
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Selfie
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place