If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Mornin
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.