If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
You Might Also Like
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.