If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
#Caturday
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.