If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
You Might Also Like
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.